Personally, I can’t stand the whole “look on the bright side” people; grief, and I mean real, true grief – not a guilty conscience, but true grief is a gift in of itself. 

Despite how much the process of grief can and will tear you apart sometimes, its nothing short of a blessing to say that you’re actually experiencing it – that you miss the person so much that you HAVE to grieve them. Why? Do you know just how much love, joy, and beautiful memories you have to share with someone in order to feel the necessity of grieving them? I personally have lost plenty of amazing people in my life, ones that have shaped my existence and affected my day to day, but I can count on my hands just how many people I’ve had to actually grieve in my current 28 years. 

Grief is far from pretty, and it can indeed be quite ugly sometimes especially when you have to think about or consider the life you have to continue to live and the memories you have to continue to make without those very people who now feel like a phantom limb. As much as I relate to death and understand its necessity within the natural order of this life, admittedly certain deaths I simply never saw them coming even when they were in my face. I never actually pictured having to live my life without my grandparents, my great uncle, or my pop, yet here I am. I don’t think I’ve ever winged anything so hard in my life, but here I am attempting to live my life without them. There’s no instruction manual to process any of it. Where else is a girl going to find die-hard, devoted best friends like a girl and her grandparents, great uncle & pop?? When you get an answer, get back to me. 

The toughest part about grief (to me) is having to enjoy things that you once enjoyed doing with them and having to try to still find joy in doing those things by yourself or with someone else knowing it still won’t be the same. The tears and breakdown that will ensue after that realization tend to be pretty ugly, but admit it, there’s also an element of joy that you feel in those moments as you reminisce. As paralyzing and some days numbing that grief may be, imagine NOT missing them? Not missing what they could do for you, not being able to miss who they were to you and the sheer joy their presence and existence brought you. 

Crazy enough I lived long enough to actually witness someone die from “brokenhearted syndrome.”

Grief is hard. Life can be harder. Despite what anyone ever says, it never gets easier, you just learn to live without them a little smoother, but its never easier. Something as small as remembering a nickname, an inside joke, or a simple mannerism can be the very thing that sets you off that day. 

Frankly, I’m not 100% sure how to get through it all, where to go from here, or simply how to keep living. One day you’re fine, and the next day you aren’t. For some, grief can be a powerful driving force that even with masking, it pushes the griever forward, determined to keep on in an effort to not fall apart. For others, that grief is just enough to push them off the very edge they’ve been sitting on for quite some time. What may have been slow crumbles originally can quickly turn into an impending avalanche. 

As much as death is a part of life, sometimes there is no coming back from it. Sometimes the losses we face change us forever in ways that we have yet to uncover, but we know we’ve been forever changed. Grief changes you.

Keep living, loving, and laughing.