Two posts ago, I spoke about being in a relationship with myself, but I didn’t speak on why I took that route. Frankly, I think it’s something everyone between 20-25 should do at some point during those 5 years because it’s life changing. Nevertheless, I took that route because like most, I’ve had my heart broken on multiple occasions, and, well, that shit hurt. I’m not gonna go into detail and disclose all the info of my love life because I’ve told ya’ll a million times to stay hydrated and mind ya business, but I will gladly tell you how it has shaped the way I view and accept love.
To be honest with you, I’ve kinda given up on it, but not for the reasons you’re probably thinking. I haven’t given up on Romantic love simply because of my failed attempts at it from 16-22. The reasons I’ve given up on the idea of romantic love are The Hallmark Channel, Lifetime Movies, and honestly, I just don’t want it…right now. While it could be easy to blame exes/potentials, I’ll own it and admit that I allowed my past relationships to be utter failures by picking people I should have never been with -who I could self-sabotage with. Ultimately, I was subconsciously okay with walking away with minimal emotional bruising or the occasional collateral damage of heartbreak.
I gave up on romantic love and started dating myself to understand that while it wasn’t me but them, it was also me. I realized that I sucked at romantic love because not only was it something I wasn’t ready for but also something I secretly didn’t want or need yet. I don’t want romantic love because I want to understand what unconditional love for self feels and looks like first; in addition to emotional and financial progress. I don’t want to forget about me because I’m busy overextending for someone else who wouldn’t give the same for me. I want to love myself like Kanye loves Kanye. I don’t want to be up late, losing sleep wondering where I truly stand in someone’s life/heart. I want endless laughter with occasional needed pampering. I want romantic love with myself before opening myself up for that possibility again.
All in all, I have a complicated relationship with romantic love because I’m scared. I’m scared that I don’t know how to love, or that I’m not capable of romantic love. Love is simply one of those things you cannot control, and I’m secure enough to say that I’m afraid of giving into or accepting things that I can’t control – which is why I’m okay saying that I don’t want it right now. I’m at a healthy point where I can acknowledge that mentally, physically and emotionally, I’m not in a place where I’m okay enough to take such a major leap of faith with the expectation of knowing it can go bad any moment because that’s just life.
That’s my relationship with romantic love.
Keep living, loving, and laughing.